life

so this may be a little deeper than i usually do. not too deep, no worries, just sorta deep. is there such a thing? is it either deep or shallow or is there an in between? oh, my... moving on.

i just thought that i would give an update and also share a little about what the Lord is teaching me through this crazy past week-ish in our lives.

first off, the facts. ellen is doing well. she is enjoying formula (as much as you can enjoy that stinky stuff) to the point where we don't have to include juice with it anymore. i am no longer in any pain, the meds have been doing the job for me- i am physically fine. praise the Lord! i am not really facing any of the problems that are a result of stopping nursing anymore, either, if you catch my drift, so that is a blessing also.

now to my feelings. ah, this is where the problem lies for me, i believe. i have been sorting through some pretty tough stuff in my feeler and unfortunately, that stuff wins out over what i know in my head some of the time. i don't question for one second that the Lord is in control of my life, i don't question at all the fact that He is working in my life for my good and for His glory (thanks for that reminder, bonnie!) now, these things my head and heart know, my feeler tells me different. and i chose to sit in my feelings. i was angry that this happened, i am still a little frustrated with not having a choice to stop nursing. i feel like i don't know ellen all that well anymore, i feel like now i could walk out the door and she would never know the difference. i feel like her personality has changed, she is fussier and we can't quite get into our groove yet. she smells different, her poo is different. i have to figure out how much to feed her, carry all kinds of bottle pieces with me places, i feel overwhelmed by bottle feeding. i feel like she is having a hard time adjusting, but let's face it SHE ISN'T. I AM. i feel like now what? we have made it throught this rough time for what? the everyday mundane stuff? God brought me through that for this? doesn't feel very different or that great actually. feelings are sometimes pretty deceptive, eh? (and by the by, i realize that i am needing to give myself some grace- hormones and meds and all)

sunday after church a song came on my cd player and it hit me that i have a choice. i am not going to sit in my crap anymore. now, i am not skipping thru the fields or anything, but i can rest in His plan for my life, allow Him to teach me in rough things, do my best not to miss out on the hard lessons. and i can really smile and tell you that i am doing okay.

i choose His freedom, gladness and light, His cross. His balm, His calm, His jubilant psalm... even if i don't really feel like it. and thanks to joel and my sweet friends that have helped me sort thru this this. (hope that i wasn't a bummer julie) and oh, did i say thanks, joel? you are the best.

here is the song: [and i realize the cheesy factor in this, and openly mock myself for doing it, so i beat you to it.]

Jesus, I Come
Out of my bondage, sorrow and night, Jesus, I come; Jesus I come. Into Thy freedom, gladness and light, Jesus, I come to Thee. Out of my sickness into Thy health, Out of my wanting and into Thy wealth, Out of my sin and into Thyself, Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of my shameful failure and loss, Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come. Into the glorious gain of Thy cross, Jesus, I come to Thee. Out of earth’s sorrows into Thy balm, Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm, Out of distress into jubilant psalm, Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of unrest and arrogant pride, Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come. Into Thy blessed will to abide, Jesus, I come to Thee. Out of myself to dwell in Thy love, Out of despair into raptures above, Upward forever on wings like a dove, Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of the fear and dread of the tomb, Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come. Into the joy and light of Thy home, Jesus, I come to Thee. Out of the depths of ruin untold, Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold, Ever Thy glorious face to behold, Jesus, I come to Thee.
© 2000 Greg Thompson Music.